Relationship Harmony — Marialena's Blog

How to Enjoy Limbo – Navigating Parental Teen Relations

Remember the terrible two’s? Your sweet happy baby would melt into a crying dervish at the most inopportune times as she discovered the power of “NO!” That extreme change, from being a completely dependent entity to having a body that moves about freely, communicates with words, and exercises free will, happens again when children become teenagers. This time, you can’t pick them up off the floor and cart them to a safe room. This time, you have to use your wits and remember that their behavior is not a personal rejection of you, this is a normal developmental phase.

Teens are in limbo, no longer a child, not yet an adult. Parenting a teen requires creativity, trust, communication and deep love. Here are a few points to remember when relating with your teen:

• Take a deep breath…
Risk talking with your teen, even in the face of rejection. Your teen will remember your attempts, not the conversations themselves.

• Take a deep breath…
Parent through choices. Resist barking orders and resist simply giving in. Giving choices within limits helps teens gain independence and learn from their consequences – both positive and negative. While it is important for your child to know your expectations and values, it is also important to respect them as growing human beings and the authenticity of their experiences. Respect their emotional experiences and acknowledge their reality, without being dismissive or minimizing the profundity of their choices because of their age. Remember your goal is to keep the relationship with your teen. Teens will not let you parent them without a relationship based on trust, mutual regard and respect.

• Take a deep breath…
Your teen will disappoint you. Most of the time your teen will have just dropped the ball in their journey to becoming a responsible adult, and not because they don’t love you. Other times, to be who they need to be, which is different from you, they will have to disappoint you. When disappointed, feel the pain and learn to comfort it. Try saying “ While that’s disappointing, I know you love me and I can handle my disappointment.”

• Take a deep breath…
Sometimes the most profound acts in a relationship are often the simplest. Make it common practice to say words like “I am sorry”, “Please”, “Forgive me”, “I love you”, and “Thank you” to your teen.

• Take a deep breath…
It is not about perfection. Teens need an adult who models for them what to do when they blunder, when they make a wrong decision, or are having to push through a difficult time. Practice emotional congruency and match what you say, to what you do, to how you feel. If you come home tired, say so. Indicate when you need time to yourself to recharge, and then make it a point to reconnect later.

• Take a deep breath…
Make it a point to have at least five positive, loving, affirming acknowledgments for every one negative, critical or constructive criticism you need to give your teen. See your teen. Notice their contributions. Empathize with their feelings. Compliment them. Encourage them. This will create mutual respect and regard. And when you need to be firm – be firm, but loving.

• Take a deep breath…
Most parents excel at communicating love through acts of service and duty; you launder their clothes, provide nourishing food, drive them to appointments. Try also to use loving words, gentle touch, and spending quality time together. Listen without rushing to judgment. Although you may have a preferred method, stretch yourself to show your love and care in a variety of ways everyday. And remember that the teen years are just another phase, much like those “terrible twos” were–only longer!